Memories of Ever Changing Tides

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“Happiness is not a matter of events, it depends upon the tides of the mind. ” -Alice Meynell
             
As i watch children at play, I can’t help but think of my own childhood and wondered where all the years, the memories and the laughter had gone away. I remember playing at the beach near our house in El Nido, gathering shells and those plastic scraps tangled with sea weeds washed away by the tides with
my cousins.

I can still feel the wind against my skin as we sit at the tiny balcony after supper of boiled fish and new rice, the moonlight adding to the flickering light of the gas lamplight. Secretly eating a contraband sweets, with my Mama and Papa talking
about distant future, I felt like the whole world has stopped turning, and there, right on that balcony, in an island where the only sound that breaks the silence of the night is the sound of tides kissing the sand, nothing can ever touch me.

I always look back at the moment as one of most real and sweetest memory of my younger years.

But as i learned later, Life really is a surprise waiting to happen. When i started  High School, little cracks begun to appear on my tranquil world. Suddenly I have to leave that safety, the shells, the comfortable confines of my secure surrounding.

I had to travel 2 hours to my school on our watercraft on Sundays and go home on Friday afternoons. I hated this routines.
I was away from parents for the first time, to take care of myself and adjust to social challenges after being in a secluded life in the island where I know everyone around. Sometimes I pretend to be sick when its time to go back to school.

Not all summer brings sunshine and laughter. Our family had to go through problematic and disastrous episodes that looking back now, it all seems like a nightmare. Like watching a storm trying to destroy a house. Like dark ominous clouds in my mind’s horizon.

Darkness always left a scar. There was a point that I stopped dreaming, believing and wishing. I lost my perspective. The world became a very dark place for me.

I will not go further and bore you with all that details, it belongs in the past.  I’m glad we survived all that, and stayed together through the storm.

Through all of this, God, in his infinite wisdom, took the helm and directed my life to where it’s supposed to be.

And it was never the same again.

My memories of High School are written in sepia tones, and blotted ink of calligraphy, the kind of pages that belongs to a special treasure chest, along with mementos and snapshots of moments past. Nice to look at,  but of no real value to the present, except for lessons learned.

Fifteen years after,  a lot had change, but as i look back, i chose only to think of those happy summers picking cashew nuts as reminder of that childhood.

Along with the changing of the winds, the season, faces, the tides brought new opportunities and took away things. Some of my childhood friends attended college in Manila and we seldom saw each other. Others never came back and instead found new shorelines.

I’d like to think that they’ve made better choices and have happy lives wherever they are now.

Me, I have dreamed awesome dreams, and wished amazing wishes, and it was all granted… Even ones I haven’t said aloud but kept in my heart. And all other life surprises I didn’t even asked for…beyond my mind can reach sometimes.

As my 29th birthday draws near, I promise to count my blessings. After all,  not everyone  has been granted to live this long.

And through the ever changing tides of this journey, I welcome another chapter. I look forward to bigger waves. Because I know,  I am the captain of my own journey, and with God on the helm, nothing will ever go wrong.

May we all have a Long, Wonderful and Happy Journey!

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The Simplified Psychology of Crazy Thoughts

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“You’ll learn, as you get older, that rules are made to be broken. Be bold enough to live life on your own terms and never, ever apologize for it. Go against the grain, refuse to conform, take the road less traveled instead of the well-beaten path. Laugh in the face of adversity and leap before you look. Dance as though everybody is watching. March to the beat of your own drummer and stubbornly refuse to fit in.”
                                   – Mandy Hale

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Humans as we all are, there are times that our thoughts had lead us to where we dont want to find ourselves in a normal day.

Little details, usually insignificant things we encounter everyday- at work, at the bus station, the store and even at home, irritates our mind, and we let it escalate, verging on that dark intent that, I hope, only our imagination have the power to fulfill in its fullest satisfaction. (Have a stronger grip. Don’t ever give in to that little voices in your head…) You look up to ask for patience.

I have to admit that I can’t count the many occasions I had ALMOST give in to my emotions as a result of my negative thoughts.  Whenever fate, or time or circumstances thwarts me, the seed of anger, sadness and disappointment  begin as a spark in the early morning that won’t go away no matter how much you try to distract yourself and escape it, and instead continue to grow until there’s no way out, and finally ruined your otherwise wonderful day. The choices are: express it or get sucked in that dark prison of hurt and pain. Tough.

Sometimes it gets too overwhelming and felt like the world is closing in. If that’s the case, I confront it by crying. Or binge eating.  But oftentimes, i slammed the cabinet doors (nope, the mirror is off-limits…or is it?) , try to strangle every breath out of that pillow and drunk caffeine until it vanished every trace of sleep in my system. Obnoxious, I know. And yes, childish. For a 28 year old.

And it led me to understand why kids throw tantrums.

Of course, I always try to analyze myself (self assessment is cure). I start with seeing the root of the problem (how can an accidental failure to save a 5-page long document you just encoded before a major power shortage be a huge problem for someone my age? Only it’s due in about half hour.)

You see, we work up our emotions through our thoughts by constantly worrying about the things that may never happen, or that you have absolutely no control over, until we can’t get hold of it anymore. Then the struggle to hold it in begin and it gets worse.

I’m proud of the people who stays cool in the face of that all and able to hold it in, all in the name of dignity and humanity. And perhaps a little bit of maturity.

One less day on our already short life. All because the world refuse to give in to our will.

Well, here’s news for you, my fellow door slammers:

The world doesn’t and will never give a d**n about what you want. Fate will defy you and the whole universe will conspire against you. Your wishes will fall on the deaf ears of airplane you mistook for a falling star. And that one great love might love somebody else, and you can break all the glasses and bowls one lonely night but the world will remain a harsh unfeeling b**ch. To top it all, life will still be short. And all you hurt is yourself by thinking all the negative thoughts your over zealous imagination can come up with.

But here’s the catch: only you has the power to control the way you think and how things will affect your beautiful self. It’s just a matter of seeing who is stronger. It’s the battle of thought and will and how we perceive things to be.

This life doesn’t mean to be easy. We are living in a harsh world. 
There will be always stress and problems at home, and all the polluted products of humanity we would never control and will be there to confront us, and we are vulnerable.

Snap your fingers and change it all- Just like that. One wonderful thought at a time.

Remember, your thoughts have the power to shape your future. You are what you perceive yourself to be.

Let your thoughts carry you to where your heart wants to be.

Magandang Gabi from Puerto Princesa, Philippines!

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Wish for Eternal Sunshine

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A Summer Day By The Sea

By Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

The sun is set; and in his latest beams

Yon little cloud of ashen gray and gold,

Slowly upon the amber air unrolled.

The falling mantle of Prophet seems.

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From the dim headlands many a lighthouse gleams,

The streetlamps of the ocean; and behold,

O’erhead the banners of the night unfold;

The day hath passed into the land of dreams.♥♥♥

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O summer day beside the joyous sea!

O summer day so wonderful and white;

So full of gladness and and so full of pain!

Forever and forever shalt thou be

To some the gravestone of a dead delight,

To some the landmark of a new domain.

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(Different Hues of summer leaves)

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( Fishermen’s boats waiting for the tide at Hartman, Brgy San Miguel, Puerto Princesa City, Philippines)

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(Summer Sky at Hartman shore, San Moguel, Puerto Princesa City, Philippines)

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(Mangrove propagule)